An Observation of Step Parenting

Since this is the week that my eldest son goes off to college, there has been a great deal of reflection. As I have blogged about before, my son split time between my wife and I’s house, and his mothers. During all of that time, one of the things that became really obvious, is that my wife is made of stuff that I am not.

When you get divorced in Colorado, you have to attend a divorced parenting class if have children. I remember dreading the idea of this, and thought, in my on hubris, what a waste of time. I reference some of what I learned in that class to this day. But the thing I remember most was a quote by a child psychologist that spoke to the new to be divorced parents. She said that she used to think that parenting was the hardest job in the world. But that the last 20 years of her work had showed her that she was wrong. She now knew that step-parenting was the hardest job in the world. She went on to explain her reasons why she believed that it was the toughest job.  Never mind that Disney had done a pretty good job poisoning the well on step parents.

I can say in the last 13 years of part time parenting, that I have had the great privilege and honor to see step parenting done with so much grace.

For those of you who have never experienced step parenting, here is just a small sampling of what it means.

• Pouring all of your love into a child, knowing that you are third on their list.
• Having to bite your tongue so often that it gets calloused
• Having to figure out a way to define your own relationship with a child that may have been programmed not to allow you into their circle
• If you have other children at the same time, pouring equal love into each of them, regardless of whether they were born to you, or came along with a relationship.
• If you have to split time with another set of parents, figuring out how to do all of the above in half the time.
• Having to grow a skin thick enough to deal with all of that.

My son left for college this morning.  And they have turned out to be a wonderful young adult.  And it is so obvious to them, as they have said as much, and to those around them, that their step mom had a great deal to do with the quality of human being that they have become.  I have never known what it means to be a step parent myself, but I have witnessed what I believe a step parent should be.

I would like to send love to all of the step parents out there.  You have a tough job.  But your children are counting on you.