Meet my friend N. She is in her 40s. She is married with two children. She is a trailblazer in work and in life. She values her family with ferocity and love. She was raised by two parents who are still together. They provided an amazing, loving, safe space in which to grow up. They had three more children. The entire family, still, to this day, live close together and spend time together.
Meet my friend A. She is in her 40s. She is a powerhouse. She radiates love wherever she goes. You instantly feel better when you are around her. She was raised by two parents got divorced, but remained in the same small town to focus on the raising of my friend and her sibling. They are all very close, and move mountains to spend time together.
I am a 57 year old man who lives a very full, amazing life. I am blessed with a partner that aligns with me in the now, while ever reaching for a future together. I have three children ranging from 13 to 23. They each seem to be very well balanced, fierce, kind humans. My parents were divorced when I was twelve. They weren’t close or present when they were married, and after they split, they were most definitely not interested in raising children together.
So with these three examples, cherry picked for sure, and others, I was struck by the fact that many of them experienced feelings of anxiety and abandonment as big fears. That didn’t seem to match the narrative of what I knew of the people telling me their story. It struck me that most people probably think that when we look from the outside in at a child’s history, we make the presumption that if the parents were present, then the kids wouldn’t ever fear abandonment. And that wouldn’t lead to anxiety.
I am late to the game with attachment theory. Almost embarrassingly so. But I’m here now. So I’m geeking out on it. There are 4 types of adult attachment styles defined:
- Secure
- Avoidant
- Anxious
- Fearful
There is so much great material out there to listen to and read on these topics. I am not even close to knowledgeable on the science or great work behind the science. I’m just illustrating how important it was for me to find it, and what it feels like in my experience. I just finished “Insecure in Love” by Leslie Becker-Phelps PhD. It is fantastic. There are many great others. When I read the book above, I had a clear understanding of who I was, really, for the first time. For many, many years I have defined myself as a person that deals with anxiety/depression. I had no idea what the root cause of any of it was as most that struggle with mental health journeys themselves don’t have any idea. As I read this book, I looked back at all the places where I have felt a high level of “anxiety”. In almost every case, it had to do with myself reacting to a non-existing situation that made me feel like I was going to be abandoned. This is probably a familiar feeling for some of you. The revelation about this to me is that for years I had no idea “why” those things crept up, then I would go into a shame spiral thinking I was “broken”.
Attachment theory generally goes like this: In the first three years of our life, including in utero, our neuron-pathways get built, at least 3/4 or so do. By the time we are three, we have learned how to a) get what we need or b) what doesn’t work. This looks like many different things. But if you have the most attentive parents in the world, who picked you up every step of the way when you needed something, but didn’t provide you with what you were actually looking for, whether it be food, warmth, diaper change, different environment, whatever, you were remembering that what you needed wasn’t provided. If you had inattentive parents, you learned pretty quickly that what you were doing wasn’t getting you what you were looking for, and if it ever got provided, it wasn’t going to when you wanted it, so you started to expect that. If, you happen to have attentive parents who really understood what you wanted, and provided it almost always, then you would end up developing a secure attachment style. Otherwise, you have either decided one of three things:
- Don’t trust the caregivers/partners and when they aren’t giving what you need, pull away. – Avoidant
- Perform for the caregivers/partners all the time, so that they absolutely have to love you and give you what you want, if it doesn’t work, change into something your not – Anxious
- Be afraid of all caregivers/partners – Fearful
With my example of my friends above, and myself, we all had very different situations from looking from the outside, but nobody knows what we were asking for at that age, and how it was being provided. Our attachment styles grew based on what we were feeling internally. Safe, or not. Provided for, or not. Loved, or not. Which leads me to the next thing. I’m saying this as much to myself as to anyone reading. Let your parents off the hook. Of course I’m not talking about abusive parents. But most parents are doing what they think is best. And even the best ones, really don’t know what you want.
So what have I decided to do now? Well, for myself, I say to myself, “I’m sorry for doubting you and putting all that shame on you”. I have decided that okay, that was how I was wired, now it’s time to recognize it, acknowledge when it happens, and introduce new behaviors that will help reprogram that old wiring.
For myself, an Anxious attacher, that looks like this:
- Conflict does not mean an end of something. In fact, it is necessary to grow.
- I am enough, and I don’t have to perform to get love from my partner, in fact, it can have a converse affect.
- Spending time alone, with no distractions, in thought, allows me to find myself and more compassion for the little boy I was.
- Just because somebody disagrees with me, does not mean anything other than they disagree with me.
- Other peoples opinion of me doesn’t mean anything.
- Always be who I am, the rest will be much easier.
I encourage anyone who found this to read up on this if it resonates. It has been a big AHA for me.
Leave a Reply