When I was told that my father had stage four pancreatic cancer in September, I didn’t now what to think. The immediate reaction was somewhat akin to a dizzy spell. I couldn’t quite hear the words. I’m sure that many have had a similarly powerful reaction to such news. For me, the news caused a journey of inward auditing that I was caught very off guard by the feelings of the next two months.
My father and I had what I considered a complicated relationship. He was a powerhouse of a man. He used to toss cabers (telephone poles for the non scots) around for fun. He was always quick with a sarcastic joke, and also with an angry reaction. For me, it was an inability to connect with him, that had me twisted up. We just saw the world through completely different eyes. And that reality had been the reason that when his illness revealed itself, my initial feeling was so conflicted. How do you feel sad for somebody who really wasn’t part of your life very much at all? Most of my friends, and my amazing wife, pointed out, that parents are different that way. Were they? Why?
I have always lived my life by the rule of many religions, while not a fan of any of them. Karma, Golden Rule, Quid Pro Quo (latin not religion), whatever you call it. Keep life in balance. Give and then get. So the fact that my father and I weren’t in any current situation of giving or getting spiritually or materially to each other, made me wonder, why grieve?
I chose to spend time with my father in the end because he was the only one I had. And, in his end, I wanted more of him…that is the strangest thing. He was a flawed man. He wasn’t always nice. But, he was my Dad. And I loved him.
Until next time Dad….
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