Why can’t we be friends?

What causes relationships to end? Some end naturally. Whether it’s misaligned goals or just fundamentally different tenets, these relationships, from the beginning, fall into the category of “short-term”. You may have heard the phrase “A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime”, as a quick way to describe relationship lengths. This phrase has inspired poems and songs. If we use this phrase as a categorizing “measuring stick”, short-term relationships existed for a reason.

It’s the long-term relationships that are of particular interest to me. Many are for a season; if you are lucky, you experience some that last a lifetime. Whether between family members, deep friends, or partners. What is the metaphoric “straw” that breaks the camel’s back? And, why does it seem so damaging to future connections?

In my experience, all of my best relationships have started with trust and respect, then built from there. As people experience life together, the relationship expands. For example, they might marry or start a business together. The picture that comes to my mind is a set of concentric circles.

If we refer to this photo to describe our longer-term relationships of all sorts, we can think of the innermost circle as trust. The next circle is refers to respect. After that, it varies. The next could be shared experiences. Or, the birth of a child together, or the launching of a business. Each “circle”, in essence, allows the next one to happen. But the most important “circle” in any relationship is the inner one, trust. There is a buildup over time, where each circle relies on the innermost circle to exist, all leading back to trust and respect.

In parenthood, our fundamental job is to keep our kids safe. I have witnessed the fear in my kids’ faces when they temporarily don’t feel safe. It is heartbreaking. When you see visions of war-torn countries, the ones that reach in and pull our hearts out, they often involve parents trying to keep their kids safe. Even as adults, when we don’t feel safe, we can’t function. There are a lot of books out there covering the parasympathetic nervous system and its purpose regarding fear. Visit Goodreads and search for ‘nervous system’. It is fascinating stuff. If we acknowledge fear causes us to feel unsafe, what happens when we don’t trust?

For those of you who have a dog, what is the feeling you get when your friendly furry family member acts odd around certain people? I can say, for me, I immediately doubt those people. I question if I can trust them. I even fear them sometimes. That’s not to say that sometimes my dogs aren’t just being overreactive idiots (I love them dearly), but, honestly, it sets the tone from the beginning. I have been told by some family members that I am too trusting. And, while I agree that I am a trusting person, it is my default position; I don’t believe I am “over” trusting. Yet, in my experience, sometimes, trust disappears. Why?

Well, I pose this question to you all: “What is your reaction to an act of deception from a friend or family member?” For me, I get very protective of those who may be collateral damage to this act of deception. Trust has been violated, so what happens next? . Sometimes the relationship can be fixed. I’m sure you all have experienced this as well. But it all comes back to the integrity of that act, and whether you can learn to trust that person again.

Sometimes it can’t be fixed. What then? If you are business partners, and the inner circle of trust and respect has been fractured or destroyed, can you really continue to stay in partnership? What if that partnership is one of love? With work, sometimes a lot of work, trust and respect can be re-earned. (While you are over at Goodreads, you can look for books on repairing relationships.) But when it can’t be rebuilt, what happens then? What happens to that multi-faceted relationship represented by the concentric circles when the core isn’t there anymore?

Redefining relationships is difficult because the way the relationship was built was intentional. Each thing happened as it needed to for the individuals involved to feel safe. How many of you have tried to remodel a house while living in it? The smaller the change is, the easier. But, if you have to change anything structurally, be prepared to move out and spend a very large amount of money to start and end the project.

Relationships are built. Like houses and buildings. My brother used to joke with his wife like this, “Well, if we ever got divorced, we would still be great friends!” and my sister in law, who is one of my favorite people, would respond, “Oh no, we wouldn’t”. As much as this was a tongue-in-cheek routine that was cute to witness, there is a deep truth in that.

The question of “Why can’t we be friends?” can be answered like this. Because this relationship was meant to be more, and now, because it can’t be that anymore, friendship doesn’t work. And, because trust no longer exists, the circles fall apart.

Are there exceptions? Sure. But I suspect that for every couple you come across that said they transitioned to friendship, the structure of the outer rings of that relationship had worn away mutually, and, most importantly, that trust and respect still existed.