When I was young, I was always drawn to the happily-ever-after stories. Yep, I was. Don’t judge. As I grew older, and through relationships in my youth, I realized that the end of those stories left out a lot of details. Anyone who has had the good luck to fall in love once knows that falling in love is the starting point, not the ending point.
I have recently fallen in love. While some of the feeling is familiar, something I experienced as a young adult, there is something that feels so much richer now. I’m writing this almost two years into this relationship, so the NRE (New Relationship Energy) has faded and the safety and security of love has grown in its place. Falling in love wasn’t something that I thought possible just a few years ago. Coming out of a relationship that I had expected to last the rest of my life, I felt like the emotional equivalent of a used tea bag. Gave it my all, only to sit on the counter next to the teacup I used all my flavor in.
I want to share a story about my father, who passed away 14 years ago. He and my mother were married young and divorced when I was 12. My father met and married a woman pretty quickly after the divorce. He was only in that relationship for a few years. He met his third wife a few years later. Before they were married, their church elder interviewed both of them, as was the custom of this church. When the elder asked my father why his first two marriages ended, his response was, “Because they were both crazy.” My stepmother shared that story with me almost 40 years ago, before I was married the first time.
As mentioned at the start of this writing, I am a bit of a romantic. If you are watching Notting Hill, The Princess Bride, or The Notebook, I’m sitting right down next to you and asking you to pass the popcorn. I never expected to be divorced. I guess some might jokingly look at marriage these days and expect to be married multiple times, but that wasn’t me. And yet, I have now been divorced twice, after two relationships that lasted over 10 years.
I won’t spend any time here talking about the past marriages, only to say I’m grateful they happened. As cliché as it may sound, I did indeed grow through each of them. Some days I may opine about having a time machine to travel back and whisper in my younger self’s ear, “She’s not the one.” But unlike my father, my answer would have been, yes, she was. She needed to happen because I needed the lesson. The lessons were all there: conflict, compromise, honesty, partnership, joy, fear, uncertainty, and the painful understanding that loving someone does not always mean you can continue a life together.
So, with those lessons that I am so grateful for, as excruciating as some of them were, I am in love. And from a place that I have never experienced before. My wish, really for all people, is that they experience falling and staying in love. And because relationship dynamics are hard, especially in the long-term, deeply committed ones, it will be hard. Pay attention. That’s the good stuff. And if you go through the heartbreak of moving away from that relationship, love is out there. Take what you’ve learned, and the next relationship may feel much more comfortable.
With my lessons in hand, I will pour everything I have into my relationship with my partner, because I do believe in happily ever after, with all the slings and arrows that come with it!